My bad.

I work security at a nightclub.  We try to keep out a certain Ed Hardy crowd (no offense), so when I saw some guy wearing huge sunglasses in the club, I thought here we go.  I walked up to the guy and said, “Hey Hollywood, ditch the shades.”

He turned around and hit me with his blind guy stick.

The Euro Circle

I get it, you’re not tipping me.  You don’t tip in your country.  Let’s not celebrate it here.









Mommy Half Taught Her Manners

I’m already saddened by the “sorry”, the frowny face may send me into depression.












Apologies don’t pay rent.

Christmas Surprise

A few years ago, I was bartending in downtown Tulsa at a specific bicycle-themed bar.  We had a repeat offender: someone smearing shit on the wall in the ladies room.  We knew it was shit because my co-worker volunteered to smell it and confirmed it, like a true warrior. After it kept happening the staff took turns cleaning it (only about five times).

My turn was on Christmas.

Thanks for the present, bitch!


Drink Tickets = Free Pass?

I work at a dive music venue where we have touring bands all the time.  most recently a band game and they had the good idea to give all their drink tickets to their girl freinds.


One of the girlfriends asked for me to start a tab.  She proceeded to order $2 beers and HOT TEA all night and during our rush at midnight.  At 2 am I told her the tab was at $34 which isn’t bad since she drank HARD all night. She handed me one drink ticket and proceeded to tell me that  a drink ticket is a free pass for unlimited drinks all night.    On what planet and what bar gives open bar tickets to touring no name bands?

She paid her bill called me an asshole and tripped on her way out the door.  Stay classy.

Math is hard.

We automatically add 18% gratuity to tabs of parties of 8 or more.  It’s a standard process.  Last night I had a party of 25, naturally they split the tab up between 8 cards.  This is the conversation:

Her: What is this 18% on my tab?
Me: We add 18% to parties of 8 or more.
Her: But my tab was only for 3 people.
Me: Well, when we split tabs up, they are still subject to the automatic gratuity. Actually, it’s pretty rare thate we have one card pay for a party of your size.
Her: You’re stealing.
Me: Excuse me?
Her: You’re stealing! You are giving yourself a bigger tip than if we were all on one tab.
Me: What?

Her: You’re taking 18% from them, 18% from them, 18% from them, this is bull shit!

Can’t argue with stupid. (and if you don’t get why this is funny click here)

Cher, Madonna…

There’s a few noteworthy, one-word names in this world

  • Oprah
  • Bono
  • Fabio
  • Sinbad
  • Fingerbang

I do believe I have found another.

FTL? Really?

FML is never an acronym I could get behind.  I have a hard enough time with LOL.  Are you really laughing out loud?  Do you really want to “fuck” your life?  This guy apparently wants to fuck “this” life.  Yours and mine included.  I can’t get behind this.

You’re at the bar with your buddies, meeting women.  How bad could “this life” be?  Bad enough to write on a receipt and share with your bartender apparently.



Don’t get burned

Modern art is a beautiful thing. So are lasers, robots, penis’, records, and musical notes, all wrapped up into a beautiful receipt for the ages.  Bravo sir.  A modern Van Gogh.















It will never top this though. Sorry, my artistic customer, lasers are in the background of this picture, not some half-assed asterisk.









Not tipping. Deal with it.

The ghost with a beautiful signature stiff:













This guy spent more time on his signature, than he spent considering if he was going to tip or not.

The strikethrough tip:















A line through the tip will most likely not help me with my car payment.

The fancy zero stiff:











This guy says, “Hey, I’m definitely not going to tip you, please notice the zeros here. I am fancy, my zeros are fancy, but I can’t afford to give you any fancy money.”